I cried.. big boy turns out to be young at heart
Monday, August 24, 2009, 2:44 AM
Some may quote the statement "crying maketh a man". Some maybe even live by it.. who created it?? ME.. why?? cause I thought that it was true and i thought that i could live by it... but I couldn't... I guess i am not the man i thought i am or could be... the shame packaged with the tears was a heavy baggage on my eyes...but when i was walking back up to the centre after waving poh hian good bye and receiveing a message from my bro that he would be late, i started to feel my heart trembling... i quickly ran into the lift pressed number 3 and hoped that it would reach quickly cause tears began to roll down my face and khiing was beside me... i couldn't bear to look at khiing's face after seeing me cry.. as we reached the 3rd floor, i quickly pressed the code and went in... i chucked my bag and photos that the lee brothers gave aside and ran to the closet... i saw the mattresses all scatered around but since i had to let my tears out quickly, i just throw myself on the mattresses without locking the door or pulling socks off... and there i laid crying till it was dark... khiing came in when i was kinda hoping that he didnt but he still did and it kinda comforted me still.. so i guess it wasnt such a bad thing after all... but this only means that someone realized i cried..


when everything was settled and i was able to joke around... and speak to ppl... i began to feel great all over again... i thought all my tears have gone away and i am strong to go on with life again... the next day, sunday, after breakfast, everyone was just lazing around at home waiting for the right time to leave the home to head to church.... i was jsut sitting on the chair lazily and just waiting.. everyone was silent... i closed my eyes for a moment... and my heart began to pulpitate in a weird manner.... something i couldnt understand... then as i closed my eyes tighter, tears a drop of tear rolled down my eye.. i was confused and didnt know what to do, everyone else was just near by... i couldnt bear the questions that my family members would ask when i started crying... i quickly ran up to my room stealthtily without even wiping of my tears... i jumped to my bed and started hugging cindy.... i didnt want to let go... and there i laid on my bed crying ... little noises started coming out of my mouth... i tried my best to close my mouth so that no one may hear me... i jsut laid there and cry for at least 5-10 minutes... no one told me that we are leaving for church already until i heard the engine of my dads car... i quickly went to the bathroom to wash my face and wipe my tears off so that no one would suspect anything...

In the car everything was fine... but my heart still trembled a little... i was kinda stoning and the whole car was so silent no one said anything... until my bro asked me to listen to the song better days from goo goo dolls and asked me to learn up the song... as i heard the music... my heart began to beat even harder... and to make things worse, my bro put his hands on my shoulders for no reason... then tears began to fall... i was so clueless to why and what i should do... i quickly passed the earphones back and turned my head to the window hoping that no one would be able to see my face... then tears began to fall... i didnt want to wipe it cause i thought if i did then it would look more obvious... so i just stared out the window... then when there were just too much tears... i took my hand and covered my eye like how a bird watcher does when it is a bright day...
through out the journey i was trying to stop the tears from falling but i couldnt... i tlited my head back hoping that the tears would contain in my eyes... but then again it couldnt... however as we reacehd the church it finally stopped... i quickly wiped the tears off when no one is looking and head towards the sanctuary... then i realized that i left my phone in the car and was expecting poh hian to reply my message... so i asked my dad for the key and went to take my phone.. and it was before service started... so everything was fine and ok.. until the musicians went up the stage... and started worshiping God.. i did the same and sang songs of worhip and praise... but some of the songs really touched my heart and again i was there standing up crying like a big baby... but in a way it was not as bad as everyone else were also worshiping God and wouldnt turn their eyes to me... i wiped out my tears and tried to sing though it was hard... as my voice couldn't come out... but it was a good thing that after the praise and worship session my tears finally stopped flowing...

it was the craziest day... after church i went to kl to have lunch... and after that me and my family walked to pavilion.. there i reminisced about the time when poh hian was still around... the day before she had to go back to singapore... the unforgetable day... the day that changed most things.... hmm well everything turned out ok finally.. managed to get through the day... and managed to keep contact with poh hian all the way till she reached singapore... and when i got back again i had the chance to communicate with her on msn... so it was a cool day after all